It's Probably a Crime Scene

I'm a work at home mom.  I answer the phones for my husband's lawn sprinkler business and take care of my kids at the same time.  As hard as I try to keep my two jobs from overlapping, it never seems to work.  My children will be complete angels all day until I sit down to return phone calls.  As soon as I pick up the phone, they all turn into the spawn of satan.  This morning I was returning a call to a customer and ended up getting his voicemail.  Colin picked that exact moment to pull a scab off which resulted in massive amounts of blood squirting out of his leg.  Tyler not wanting me to miss it, yelled, "OMG look at all the blood!  It's leaking out all over the floor!  I think Colin's going to run out!"  I can only imagine how this came across on my customer's voicemail.  I'm a little worried that he's going to alert the authorities, and they are going to show up at my house in a little while to investigate the murder that happened.

Why we don't floss...

The kids have a dentist appointment tomorrow.  When he asks if the children have been flossing, I'm going to truthfully tell him that we manage good dental hygiene on an average of 5 out of 7 nights a week.  If he asks why we can't make dental hygiene a priority every night, I'm going to point at the baby, show him this picture, and say, "because life with three children is never dull!" 

Giddy Up Momma

Having sex when you are married with children is a lot like having sex when you are a teenager in that you spend a lot of time worrying about getting caught.  There is nothing worse than getting caught fighting, wrestling, playing horsey, etc. naked and having to explain what you are doing to a small child.  Wait, there is something worse, much worse.  Worse is getting caught by small child, who thinks you are playing naked horsey with daddy, who doesn't want to be left out.  Even worse is not knowing you've been caught until the child climbs on your back and yells, "giddy up mommy!"  

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that I'm not the only person something like this has happened to.  Feel free to share your rotten story in the comments to make me feel better.  

Babysitting

When we babysit, we make sure to teach our charges the important things in life such as how to properly mine one's nose for gold.

The Drama Queen

Annabelle just turned her little nose up at the pajamas I had picked out for her to wear tonight.  She put her little hand out to stop me and declared, "you take that away from me.  You take that away from me right now!"  Really kid?  You're only 2.

I can't help my hamburger tonight

You know what's awesome?  Turning around to see your kid eating a bowl of cereal while you are making dinner.  You know what's even more awesome?  Realizing the same rotten kid used the last of the milk to make his cereal and now you don't have enough to finish making your hamburger helper.

They're all little cereal killers

I try not to buy Lucky Charms because whenever I buy them, one of my rotten children always sneaks off with the box and eats all the marshmallows.  They always swear they won't when they are pleading with me to buy them in the store, "I swear Mommy!  I'll eat all of it.  I promise it won't be like the last time!"  They always keep their promise the first day and eat every last bite.  It's usually the second or third day when I go to pour a bowl for someone that I notice something is missing.  Usually, I throw the rest of the cereal out because I know its going to go bad before someone eats it once the marshmallows are gone.  Not this time.  My kids have been enjoying marshmallow free Lucky Charms all week.