What to do when your Elf on the Shelf drops the ball

It's almost December which means it's almost time for your Elf to visit from the North Pole.  I've seen approximately 900 million blog posts this past week detailing all the fun things you can expect your Elf to do while he or she is at your house.  

This is not one of those blog postings.  Nope, this blog is for the parents who get stuck with a lazy, dud of an elf, who halfway through the month of December, forgets that he or she is supposed to visit Santa in the middle of the night and come back the next morning and hide in a new spot.

Without further ado, I present how to turn your crappy Elf's behavior into positive learning experiences for your children.

Problem #1: What to do when it becomes apparent that your Elf has a drinking problem.

It's cute when you wake up one morning and discover your Elf has spent one night drowning his sorrows away with your red wine or the Elf drink of choice, syrup, but what do you do when he spends 5 nights in a row doing it?

Simple.  Stage an intervention and set up an anonymous meeting of sorts in your living room.  Have your child show their support for the Elf's recovery by going around and confessing to behaviors they are addicted to. 

"Hi, my name's George, and I'm a compulsive nose picker, toe nail bitter, booger eater, fib teller, etc."  

Then spend the remainder of the month encouraging your kids to give up their bad habits in the hopes that their Elf will follow suit and sober himself up before Santa comes.  Feel free to hold anonymous meetings every night.

Problem #2: Your Elf spends one night in Barbie's dream house and refuses to leave.

First off, you need to set the ground rules with your Elf the first night he arrives.  Tell him that if he's going to fool around with Barbie, he better fool around with the ugly one you hate.  Because when you catch him engaging in funny business with Barbie, the only solution is to stage a wedding.  That way your children learn that it is in no way acceptable for Barbie to shack up with a guy before they are married.  At the reception, remind your Elf that Barbie's dream house isn't paid off yet, and that he needs to continue working for Santa to make the mortgage payments.  Then on Christmas Eve make sure he takes the Barbie you hate, you know the one with the crappy, child inflicted haircut from hell, to live with him at the North Pole.  Ain't nobody got time for an Elf who sneaks out on Barbie on Christmas Eve.

Problem #3: What to do when your Elf climbs to the top of your Christmas tree and then refuses to come down until Santa comes and rescues him.

Obamacare is hitting everyone hard this year.  BlueCross BlueShield is no longer offering the affordable low deductible plan Santa has been using to insure his Elf's for the past 500 years.  He was forced to get a high deductible plan off of the insurance marketplace for all of the Elfs.  None of the Elfs can afford to pay their high deductible in the event that they fall and get hurt on Christmas.

Use this opportunity to explain to your children the importance of voting when they turn 18.  Otherwise they might find themselves the unwilling victims of change they didn't want, but can't complain about because they didn't exercise their right to vote for the other guy.

Problem #4: Your Elf refuses to get off of the computer.

Probably he's addicted to Elf porn.  I highly recommend you take this opportunity to inspect the parental controls on your computer because if your Elf can find porn, so can your kids.  

Tell your kids that the cost of Elf magic has gone up this year kind of like the cost of gas.  Santa is saving money by having all the Elf's Skype (FaceTime) him at night.

Problem #5: What to do when your Elf develops a Facbook/texting addiction.

I say make sure you have an unlimited data package and tell your Elf to have at it.  The only thing better than your Elf telling on your kids to Santa at night is an Elf who is constantly in communication with Santa.  An Elf who texts Santa all day is an Elf you children will truly fear and respect.

Disclaimer: All of the Elf pictures in this post were borrowed off of the internet.  I'm not lazy.  I just have no idea where our Elf is.  I'm pretty sure that he ran away from home last Christmas.  

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How to deal with the mortification that comes with raising a small child

Dear New Mommy,

Welcome to this amazing institution we call motherhood. I'd like to say the road called motherhood is paved with pure happiness and unicorns. Unfortunately, I can't because most days it's paved with pure mortification and unparalleled honesty. 

One of these days, you are going to be the mother of the child who loudly proclaims, "Oh shit, I forgot my bible," as he is walking out of Sunday school.  Don't worry, you'll live through it, and it will be a great story to tell when you give the toast at his wedding.

You know that awful website called Pinterest that you spend hours upon hours on planning the perfect birthday party for each year of your child's life?  I don't care how much time you spend hand making decorations, party favors, and the perfect birthday cake there will eventually come a day when your child will look at all your hard work and ask, "Why can't I have a party at the bowling alley like Jimmy does every year?"  Instead of killing your child, call up the bowling alley and let them handle his next party.  Then devote all of the time you normally spend on crafting the perfect party on crafting something for yourself.  Your kid will eventually realize your parties are way superior to anything the bowling alley can put together, and you can tell him, "I told you so," from the comfort of the new gazebo you just built.

Eventually you will manage to figure out how to juggle one child, and you'll probably have a second.  I wish I could say that motherhood will be easier the second time around.  It won't be though; It'll be a lot harder.  Having multiple children forces mommies to do things they swore they'd never do.  Like one day you'll be at the pool with both of your kids.  After spending the morning in misery trying to convince your youngest child that he actually likes the pool, he will finally settle down and begin to play happily in his little float.  You will have thirty seconds of peace before your oldest child announces he has to pee.  Then you'll be stuck with a tough decision.  If you take your oldest kid to the bathroom, you have to disturb his now happy sibling.  If you do that, there will be a good chance he might not be able to find his happy place again.  After wrestling with your morality for a few minutes, you'll decide that five minutes of peace is worth any price, so you'll call your oldest son over and quietly instruct him to just pee in the pool.  It'll take a little coaxing, but eventually he'll agree to do it.  You'll get to enjoy thirty more seconds of peace before everything will go to hell when you notice your child has misinterpreted your instructions and is now standing on the edge of the pool peeing for all to see.  Fair warning, don't yell at them.  If you do, the mortification is only going to get worse when they yell back, "You're the one who told me to pee in the pool."  This is one of those situations you just live through.  Trust me when I tell you it will eventually be really funny.  Especially if you tell it at his high school graduation when all his friends are listening.

The good news is that all mothers will eventually go through this.  It's what makes parenting fun.  So instead of looking for a rock to hide under the next time your child embarrass the you know what out of you, just smile and know that eventually you'll get even.  

Dear Laundry Fairy

Dear Laundry Fairy,

Why don't you ever visit me anymore?  When I was a little girl, you used to visit me every day.  I'd throw my dirty clothes on the floor every night before bed and they always magically disappeared while I slept.  I'd come home from school the next day to find that they had magically reappeared in my closet smelling fresh and perfectly pressed.  It was amazing!

I'm not sure why, but when I grew up and moved out of my parent's house, you stopped coming every night.  I distinctly remember throwing my clothes on the floor the first night I slept in my grown up house and waking up the next morning to find them still there.  It was awful!  I waited all week for you to come, but you never showed up.  I eventually ran out of clean clothes, and I had to wash them myself.

Its thirteen years later and I find myself doing laundry every day.  The only time you come now is when my mother in law is here.   I can only assume that you still like her and that somewhere along the line I upset you.  I would love to know what I did to make you mad.  Honestly, I'd love to know how to get you to come back.  I am so sorry I took you for granted when I was a child.

Are you mad because I didn't look forward to your visits as much as I did the tooth fairy's?  Is it because I didn't leave you cookies every night like I did Santa Claus?  Perhaps you're mad because I thought the Easter Bunny was cooler than you?  Did you hurt your back picking my clothes up off the floor one night and get mad because I didn't have the decency to put them in the laundry basket?

Whatever it was, I'm sorry.  I may not have appreciated you when I was a child, but boy do I appreciate you now.  You are the coolest of the magical beings that visit children and leave them cool stuff while they sleep.  Trust me, if I could only have one magical being visit me as a grown up, it would be you without hesitation.

I didn't realize how amazing you were until I had to start doing laundry all by myself.  I never realized how many socks a family of five wears each week or how awful it is trying to get mystery stains out of pants.  I had no idea how bad pants could smell after a small child wore them all week, spilled crap all over them, and then hid them under their bed.  When you did my laundry, you always checked all the pockets.  I never remember finding clothes in my closet that had crayons melted into them when you came every night.

I'm sure you're out there tonight about to visit some small child who doesn't appreciate you.  If you find yourself fed up with picking her nasty clothes off of the floor, feel free to head over to my house.  I have 300 loads of laundry with your name on them.  If you could convince your friend the ironing fairy to come too, that would be totally awesome.  Warn her that she might want to bring her own iron, my rotten children broke mine.  I haven't gotten around to buying another one because that would mean I wouldn't have an excuse not to iron things.

Love,
Your Biggest Fan
Rachel

PS...Also it would be totally cool if maybe you could convince the gas fairy to come and put gas in my car like he used to when I was 16 and I'd leave my car parked in the driveway completely on empty.  I know you guys know each other because he stopped visiting the same time you stopped coming.

Annabelle's First Live Performance of the "We Not Bite Song" or Part 2 of Disneyworld for Dummies

Where were we?  Oh yeah, I'd been yelled at by Tinkerbell and discovered the hard way that Tyler's butt bone was indeed connected to his foot bone.  

So after lunch things were going relatively well until it started to pour.  Amy's girls wanted to wait in line to get Minnie and Mickey's autographs, and my boys wanted to go shopping for souvenirs.  I figured shopping was as good a way as any to kill time while it was pouring, so I took the boys into a huge souvenir store. Truthfully, I wanted to go shopping to test the validity of a helpful piece of information a friend had passed along.  

According to my source, all Disney employees have the ability to comp you $20 worth of merchandise at any given time.  Apparently, the Disney people want to keep you happy because their research suggests that happy people spend more money in their magical little kingdom.  

My thought was I'd take the children to the souvenir store and wait for one of them to have a nervous breakdown and see what happened.  If you follow my blog, then you know the odds of a nervous breakdown were in my favor; unfortunately, my rotten kids picked that afternoon to turn into perfectly behaved pod children.  

I was getting frustrated.  I'd been waiting for months to see if my friend was right, and my darn kids weren't cooperating.  I knew better than to include them in my scheme.  The last thing I needed was to get permanently banned from Disneyworld because my children ratted me out.  

As a last ditch effort to try to test my theory, I gave Annabelle two princess dolls and let her walk around the store with them for a little while.  I waited until we were within earshot of a helpful looking employee and told her she had to pick just one to take home with her.  Sadly, there were no temper tantrums to be had.  She picked Ariel and handed me Princess Sofia with a smile on her face.  

I finally decided to throw in the towel and just go pay.  When we got to the checkout register, I was struck with a brilliant idea!  They had ponchos sitting at the register, and it was pouring outside!  When the guy rung me up, I looked at him and said, "You know what would put the "Magic" back in this rainy day for me?"  Being a good Disney employee, he asked, "What?" I smiled and said, "It would be beyond magical if you'd throw in a few free ponchos to compete my purchase."  He began to do the mental math.  The ponchos were $6 a piece, which meant he could comp me 3 without getting in trouble.  "How many ponchos are we talking about," he wanted to know.  I'd done my math too, so I answered, "Three."  He threw them in my bag with a smile.  I smiled back thankful that an opportunity had presented itself to test my hypothesis.

Later that night, we were in line to watch the parade.  It was quiet, and we were all enjoying a little break.  Annabelle had been in my baby backpack thing most of the day and being held captive was starting to get on her nerves.  Whenever Annabelle gets cranky, she tends to bite. For whatever reason, the urge to bite is also often accompanied by the need to break out in song.  It was completely silent in the parade area.  You probably could have heard a pin drop when all of a sudden, I heard a little voice sing out at the top of her little lungs, "We not bite! We not bite!  We not bite Mommy!"  Then just when all eyes were on my teeny tiny performer, she sunk her little teeth in me and the pain was so severe I almost passed out.  I'm pretty sure at that moment Annabelle was Disney's most talked about attraction!

We made it through the parade without any further outbursts.  Right as the parade was coming to an end, Amy looked at me with a panicked expression.  "We need to go now," she insisted.  Amy and I have been friends for a really long time, and she's not the type to go off the deep end without a good reason.  

We began quickly packing our stuff, and I asked, "Why are we in such a hurry?"  When she turned around to address me, I could see the worry in her eyes.  "The last time Joe and I brought the girls we waited to leave until the parade was completely over.  We got stuck on the monorail platform for two hours!  We can't do that with five tired children.  We have to go now!"  

Amy was right!  We had to go, and we had to go fast!  We made it to the monorail without incident, and thanks to Amy's quickly thinking, we walked right on.

Amy and I were feeling pretty good about ourselves until we stepped off the monorail platform.  Amy looked and me, and I looked at her.  "I don't suppose you remember where the shuttle dropped us off this morning," I asked her.  "Nope, I was kind of hoping you remembered," she replied.

Our five children all picked this exact moment to remember that we hadn't fed them dinner yet.  They were exhausted, hungry, miserable, and not at all amused when Amy and I told them we were about to embark on one final adventure of the day.  

An hour later, Amy and I were ready to throw in the towel and spend the night in the parking lot.  We had walked all over, and we had no idea where we were supposed to meet our shuttle.  Nothing looked familiar, and we had absolutely no clue what to do next.  We were both about to break down in tears when a nice lady came over and asked what was wrong.  We explained our dilemma, and she pointed her finger to a bench that was maybe a two minute walk from the gates of the Magic Kingdom.  "Shuttle pick up is right over there," she said.  We'd spent an hour searching for shuttle pickup, and it had been right under our noses the entire time!

We made it on the shuttle and all five of our kids fell asleep as soon as their butts hit the seat.  Amy and I were trying to figure out how to get five sleeping children and a double stroller out of the shuttle with the least amount of effort when a nice man volunteered to help us when we arrived at our stop.  

When we arrived back on hotel property, the shuttle driver announced that he was going to make a courtesy stop at Tower 4 since it was so late.  Amy and I were thrilled!  We were staying in Tower 5!  Surely it would be quicker to get off at Tower 4 instead of Tower 1 like we had planned!  

We unloaded our entire crew at Tower 4 and managed to keep most of them asleep thanks to our helper!  We had just gotten everyone loaded up when we realized that the person who had designed the hotel couldn't count.  Tower 4 was nowhere near Tower 5.  Nope, Tower 4 was right in between Towers 3 and 6.  It wasn't anywhere near Tower 5. Tower 5 was right next door to Tower 1, the tower we were originally planning on getting off at.

On the twenty minute walk back to our room, Amy and I decided that maybe we weren't shuttle people after all.  Suddenly, the crazy fees the Disney people charged for parking sounded extremely reasonable and affordable!

PS...I'm doing a giveaway on my Facebook page.  Head on over to https://www.facebook.com/oneislikenonefor all the fun details.  Don't worry I'm not giving away a child.  I'm pretty sure that would have people running in the opposite direction!

How to Tell if You're on a Date with Your Boyfriend or Your Husband

A boyfriend will greet you at the door, and say, "Is that a new dress?  It looks nice!"

A husband will take one look at you and ask, "Is that a new dress?  I hope it wasn't expensive!"

If a boyfriend notices your car needs its oil changed on the way to dinner, he will offer to change it for you over the weekend.  Probably he'll make some cheeky remark about coming up with a "creative" way to settle the bill afterwards.

If a husband notices your car needs its oil changed on your way to dinner, he will suggest going to Wal-Mart to get it done after dinner since you two hadn't really figured out what you were going to do after you ate.  Walking around Wal-Mart sounds like a good plan to him, plus he's got a coupon.

When you get in the car with a boyfriend, he'll ask, "What are you in the mood to eat for dinner?"  

A husband will ask, "What restaurant do you have a coupon for?"

After dinner, a boyfriend might suggest going to a movie or going dancing to finish the night off.

A husband is going to drive you to the grocery store, the auto parts store, or the wholesale warehouse store after dinner because, sadly, that's where you will ask him to take you.  At this point in your life grocery shopping without your children is a real treat.

A date with a boyfriend usually ends the next morning at breakfast.

A date with your husband usually ends when you run out of money to pay the babysitter.  How much time you can afford to keep the babysitter on any given night will favor heavily into your plans.  

When you go on a date with your boyfriend, you make sure to wear your nicest lingerie.  You'll will want to be a show stopper at the end of the evening

When you go on a date with your husband, you'll make sure you wear something clean.  No sense wearing something that might give him any ideas. You've got two weeks worth of Grey's Anatomy episodes you plan on catching up on when you get home.  Plus if by chance something at BJ's Wholesale Mega Food Surplus was to put you in the mood, chances are he'll be so excited, he won't even care that your underwear doesn't match and that you haven't shaved your legs in months.

If it made you laugh, cry, or question my sanity, hit the like/share button.  Better yet, head back to my Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/oneislikenoneand leave me a comment. :)

The Hall of Motherhood

It was her first day in Heaven.  After being welcomed into God's waiting arms, she was led by an angel  into a room that looked like a post office.  It was a giant room filled from top to bottom with tiny mailboxes, each baring a female name.  "What is this place?" she asked the angel.  "This is the hall of mothers.  This is where life begins on Earth."  

She was drawn to a mailbox that bore her name.  What an odd thing to find her name in a place like this.  She had never been blessed with a child of her own.  Her angel guide walked over and opened the mailbox.  She was sure it would be empty, so she was truly puzzled to find it overflowing.  "These boxes are filled with selfless acts a mother commits in the name of a child," her guide explained. 

"Why is my box overflowing?  I've never given birth to a child," she asked knowing a mistake had been made.  "It's true that you never became a mother by giving birth to a child,  but throughout your life your kindness and your selflessness changed the lives of so many young people.  You gave birth to their hopes and their dreams.  That box contains memories from so many different children. They are who they are because you made a difference in their lives.  You were patient with them when they needed someone to listen, you guided them when they were lost, and you cheered them on when they succeeded.  Your body didn't give birth to their futures; your heart did.  You were never blessed with a child of your own because there were so many children who needed you."

She followed the angel into another room.  The second she entered the room she knew she had entered a special place.  The room was filled with angels rocking tiny bundles.  She was instantly drawn to the nearest angel and the bundle she was rocking in her arms.  Upon closer inspection, she was overcome with joy.  The angel was rocking the most unusual baby she had ever seen.  It bore the same shape and size as a newborn, but it was almost transparent.  Her guide, sensing her confusion, leaned in and whispered, "This is the room where the new souls are prepared for their journey into their mother's womb.  The angels rock them until they are paired with a mother."

Just then a beautiful sound rang out, and the entire room went silent.  Another angel appeared in the front of the room, and everyone look at him with anticipation.  The room was silent when he walked to the center of the room and lifted a precious bundle out of the arms of its heavenly nurse.  He carried the infant soul to the front of the room and looked as if he was about to make an important proclamation when another angel appeared and whispered something into his ear.  He nodded once to let the angel know he understood, and began to address the room.  He lifted the infant soul for all to see and announced, "This is Daniel.  His time on Earth will be short.  It's important we pick the right mother." The angel paused for a moment, obviously in deep thought.  When he addressed the crowd a few minutes later, he simply said, "Susan."   The room full of angels hummed their approval and excitement for his choice and went back to rocking their precious bundles.  

She was at a loss for what had just happened.  How could a room full of angels be excited for Daniel and Susan?  The question was on her lips when her angel guide looked at her with a smile on his face.  "You want to know why we would choose to send Daniel to Susan when we know they'll only be together for such a short time.  You want to know why we wouldn't spare Susan, and why we are excited for Daniel."  She nodded and patiently waited for him to continue.  

"We are excited for Daniel because in the short time he will be with Susan, he will know nothing but the purest form of love.  In their moments together, Susan will love Daniel, she will pray for him, and when the time comes, she will put his needs before her own.  There will never be a moment in Daniel's life that is filled with anything but Susan's love.  Their time together will be short, but their love for one another will last forever."

The silence in the room was disrupted once again when a bell began to ring.  "It's time!  It's time," she heard the angels exclaim.  "What's happening?" she asked her guide.  "Emma's daughter is about to give birth to her first child.  Emma's been waiting for this moment since she arrived in Heaven.  She rocked the infant soul in her arms, prayed for him when he was placed in her daughter's womb, and now she is going to be with him when he enters the world for the first time.  It is her greatest wish to be with her daughter as she gives birth.  We have all been patiently waiting with Emma, and now her time has come." 

"Will her daughter know that Emma is there?  I can only imagine how hard it must be to give birth without her mother there by her side," she wanted to know.  

"There will be a moment, a moment when everything just seems perfect.  Emma will hold her daughter in her arms as her daughter cradles her newborn son.  Her daughter will know, in that moment, that Emma is there.  She won't be able to explain the feeling.  She'll just know in her heart."

When the excitement settled down, she asked the angel the question she'd been wanting to ask all day.  "Why have you brought me here?"  Her angel guide smiled and led her to an empty rocking chair.  "I have brought you here because this is your place in heaven." 

What Does One is Like None, Two is Like Twenty Mean?

I remember bringing my first son home from the hospital and thinking, "What the hell have I done?"  It was amazing how much one teeny, tiny, human could turn my life upside down.  Going to the store to get a gallon of milk was suddenly a two hour trip from start to finish instead of the ten minute trip it used to be.  I had to pack a small suitcase anytime I wanted to venture out of the house.  It was hard and some days it seemed nearly impossible.

Then I had baby number 2.  Oh my goodness!  Two babies seemed like a lot more babies than one baby.  On paper two babies was only one more baby, but in reality it was like having twenty babies. There was no napping when the new baby slept.  Nope, when the new baby slept, my other kid wanted my undivided attention.  He didn't care that I hadn't slept in days. 

Leaving the house was a complete nightmare.  We ate a lot of takeout because it was so much easier to hit a drive through at the end of the day than attempt to take two small children to the grocery store!

The good thing about having a new baby is that sometimes people take pity on you and offer to take your oldest child for a little while.  I remember the first time someone took Colin somewhere after I had Tyler.  I remember thinking how easy it was to just take one baby somewhere. Why had I thought one baby was so hard?  One baby was nothing!

I had just managed to get the hang of two kids when my husband cornered me one afternoon while the boys were outside playing.  "Trust me," he said with a wink.  Two weeks later, I ended up staring at six positive pregnancy tests wondering how in the heck that had happened.  Fate is really a total smart ass because I'd sold all my baby stuff in a consignment sale a few weeks prior to the "trust me" wink, and the check came in the mail the same day I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant.  

On paper, three kids is really only one more kid than two.  In reality, welcoming a third child into your home is like deciding you want to turn your house into a three ring circus.  Only your circus acts won't care that you're the ringmaster, your tigers will bite if you're stupid enough to stick something in their mouths, and that balancing act everyone expects at the circus won't be done on a high wire; it will come at the end of the month when you are deciding if you should pay the electric bill or the water bill with the last $75 in your checking account.

When I was looking for a name for my blog, "One is like none, two is like twenty," seemed to be the only title that truly expressed the chaos that is my life.