Thursday, November 21, 2013

What to do when your Elf on the Shelf drops the ball

It's almost December which means it's almost time for your Elf to visit from the North Pole.  I've seen approximately 900 million blog posts this past week detailing all the fun things you can expect your Elf to do while he or she is at your house.  

This is not one of those blog postings.  Nope, this blog is for the parents who get stuck with a lazy, dud of an elf, who halfway through the month of December, forgets that he or she is supposed to visit Santa in the middle of the night and come back the next morning and hide in a new spot.

Without further ado, I present how to turn your crappy Elf's behavior into positive learning experiences for your children.

Problem #1: What to do when it becomes apparent that your Elf has a drinking problem.

It's cute when you wake up one morning and discover your Elf has spent one night drowning his sorrows away with your red wine or the Elf drink of choice, syrup, but what do you do when he spends 5 nights in a row doing it?

Simple.  Stage an intervention and set up an anonymous meeting of sorts in your living room.  Have your child show their support for the Elf's recovery by going around and confessing to behaviors they are addicted to. 

"Hi, my name's George, and I'm a compulsive nose picker, toe nail bitter, booger eater, fib teller, etc."  

Then spend the remainder of the month encouraging your kids to give up their bad habits in the hopes that their Elf will follow suit and sober himself up before Santa comes.  Feel free to hold anonymous meetings every night.

Problem #2: Your Elf spends one night in Barbie's dream house and refuses to leave.

First off, you need to set the ground rules with your Elf the first night he arrives.  Tell him that if he's going to fool around with Barbie, he better fool around with the ugly one you hate.  Because when you catch him engaging in funny business with Barbie, the only solution is to stage a wedding.  That way your children learn that it is in no way acceptable for Barbie to shack up with a guy before they are married.  At the reception, remind your Elf that Barbie's dream house isn't paid off yet, and that he needs to continue working for Santa to make the mortgage payments.  Then on Christmas Eve make sure he takes the Barbie you hate, you know the one with the crappy, child inflicted haircut from hell, to live with him at the North Pole.  Ain't nobody got time for an Elf who sneaks out on Barbie on Christmas Eve.

Problem #3: What to do when your Elf climbs to the top of your Christmas tree and then refuses to come down until Santa comes and rescues him.

Obamacare is hitting everyone hard this year.  BlueCross BlueShield is no longer offering the affordable low deductible plan Santa has been using to insure his Elf's for the past 500 years.  He was forced to get a high deductible plan off of the insurance marketplace for all of the Elfs.  None of the Elfs can afford to pay their high deductible in the event that they fall and get hurt on Christmas.

Use this opportunity to explain to your children the importance of voting when they turn 18.  Otherwise they might find themselves the unwilling victims of change they didn't want, but can't complain about because they didn't exercise their right to vote for the other guy.
Problem #4: Your Elf refuses to get off of the computer.

Probably he's addicted to Elf porn.  I highly recommend you take this opportunity to inspect the parental controls on your computer because if your Elf can find porn, so can your kids.  

Tell your kids that the cost of Elf magic has gone up this year kind of like the cost of gas.  Santa is saving money by having all the Elf's Skype (FaceTime) him at night.

Problem #5: What to do when your Elf develops a Facbook/texting addiction.

I say make sure you have an unlimited data package and tell your Elf to have at it.  The only thing better than your Elf telling on your kids to Santa at night is an Elf who is constantly in communication with Santa.  An Elf who texts Santa all day is an Elf you children will truly fear and respect.

Disclaimer: All of the Elf pictures in this post were borrowed off of the internet.  I'm not lazy.  I just have no idea where our Elf is.  I'm pretty sure that he ran away from home last Christmas.  

Follow me on Facebook:

Thursday, November 7, 2013

How to deal with the mortification that comes with raising a small child

Dear New Mommy,

Welcome to this amazing institution we call motherhood. I'd like to say the road called motherhood is paved with pure happiness and unicorns. Unfortunately, I can't because most days it's paved with pure mortification and unparalleled honesty. 

One of these days, you are going to be the mother of the child who loudly proclaims, "Oh shit, I forgot my bible," as he is walking out of Sunday school.  Don't worry, you'll live through it, and it will be a great story to tell when you give the toast at his wedding.

You know that awful website called Pinterest that you spend hours upon hours on planning the perfect birthday party for each year of your child's life?  I don't care how much time you spend hand making decorations, party favors, and the perfect birthday cake there will eventually come a day when your child will look at all your hard work and ask, "Why can't I have a party at the bowling alley like Jimmy does every year?"  Instead of killing your child, call up the bowling alley and let them handle his next party.  Then devote all of the time you normally spend on crafting the perfect party on crafting something for yourself.  Your kid will eventually realize your parties are way superior to anything the bowling alley can put together, and you can tell him, "I told you so," from the comfort of the new gazebo you just built.

Eventually you will manage to figure out how to juggle one child, and you'll probably have a second.  I wish I could say that motherhood will be easier the second time around.  It won't be though; It'll be a lot harder.  Having multiple children forces mommies to do things they swore they'd never do.  Like one day you'll be at the pool with both of your kids.  After spending the morning in misery trying to convince your youngest child that he actually likes the pool, he will finally settle down and begin to play happily in his little float.  You will have thirty seconds of peace before your oldest child announces he has to pee.  Then you'll be stuck with a tough decision.  If you take your oldest kid to the bathroom, you have to disturb his now happy sibling.  If you do that, there will be a good chance he might not be able to find his happy place again.  After wrestling with your morality for a few minutes, you'll decide that five minutes of peace is worth any price, so you'll call your oldest son over and quietly instruct him to just pee in the pool.  It'll take a little coaxing, but eventually he'll agree to do it.  You'll get to enjoy thirty more seconds of peace before everything will go to hell when you notice your child has misinterpreted your instructions and is now standing on the edge of the pool peeing for all to see.  Fair warning, don't yell at them.  If you do, the mortification is only going to get worse when they yell back, "You're the one who told me to pee in the pool."  This is one of those situations you just live through.  Trust me when I tell you it will eventually be really funny.  Especially if you tell it at his high school graduation when all his friends are listening.

The good news is that all mothers will eventually go through this.  It's what makes parenting fun.  So instead of looking for a rock to hide under the next time your child embarrass the you know what out of you, just smile and know that eventually you'll get even.  

Friday, November 1, 2013

Dear Laundry Fairy

Dear Laundry Fairy,

Why don't you ever visit me anymore?  When I was a little girl, you used to visit me every day.  I'd throw my dirty clothes on the floor every night before bed and they always magically disappeared while I slept.  I'd come home from school the next day to find that they had magically reappeared in my closet smelling fresh and perfectly pressed.  It was amazing!

I'm not sure why, but when I grew up and moved out of my parent's house, you stopped coming every night.  I distinctly remember throwing my clothes on the floor the first night I slept in my grown up house and waking up the next morning to find them still there.  It was awful!  I waited all week for you to come, but you never showed up.  I eventually ran out of clean clothes, and I had to wash them myself.

Its thirteen years later and I find myself doing laundry every day.  The only time you come now is when my mother in law is here.   I can only assume that you still like her and that somewhere along the line I upset you.  I would love to know what I did to make you mad.  Honestly, I'd love to know how to get you to come back.  I am so sorry I took you for granted when I was a child.

Are you mad because I didn't look forward to your visits as much as I did the tooth fairy's?  Is it because I didn't leave you cookies every night like I did Santa Claus?  Perhaps you're mad because I thought the Easter Bunny was cooler than you?  Did you hurt your back picking my clothes up off the floor one night and get mad because I didn't have the decency to put them in the laundry basket?

Whatever it was, I'm sorry.  I may not have appreciated you when I was a child, but boy do I appreciate you now.  You are the coolest of the magical beings that visit children and leave them cool stuff while they sleep.  Trust me, if I could only have one magical being visit me as a grown up, it would be you without hesitation.

I didn't realize how amazing you were until I had to start doing laundry all by myself.  I never realized how many socks a family of five wears each week or how awful it is trying to get mystery stains out of pants.  I had no idea how bad pants could smell after a small child wore them all week, spilled crap all over them, and then hid them under their bed.  When you did my laundry, you always checked all the pockets.  I never remember finding clothes in my closet that had crayons melted into them when you came every night.

I'm sure you're out there tonight about to visit some small child who doesn't appreciate you.  If you find yourself fed up with picking her nasty clothes off of the floor, feel free to head over to my house.  I have 300 loads of laundry with your name on them.  If you could convince your friend the ironing fairy to come too, that would be totally awesome.  Warn her that she might want to bring her own iron, my rotten children broke mine.  I haven't gotten around to buying another one because that would mean I wouldn't have an excuse not to iron things.

Your Biggest Fan

PS...Also it would be totally cool if maybe you could convince the gas fairy to come and put gas in my car like he used to when I was 16 and I'd leave my car parked in the driveway completely on empty.  I know you guys know each other because he stopped visiting the same time you stopped coming.