Sunday, September 1, 2013

Cause I want to be real friends

We've all felt that good awful, heart stopping, gut wrenching panic that comes when we have a new friend over for the first time for a mommy play date.
We spend hours trying to get the mystery stain out of the couch, we rid the fridge of everything that could possibly be considered a blue ribbon winner in the local science fair, and we break the garage door opener, so that there is no way in hell the new friend might accidentally get a peak inside and report you to hoarders!  

You panic because you went to her house last week for a birthday party and it looked like Martha Freaking Stewart lived there.  You almost puked when you arrived.  All of her dishes were done, her laundry room was the picture of perfection, her bathroom was free of toothpaste spit and toilet rings, and, to make matters worse, all the books sitting on her coffee table looked like they were filled with actual thought provoking material!  You sat on her couch that looked like it came straight out of the Pottery Barn catalog.  You tried in vain to locate one mystery stain, and you didn't find any Cheetos stuffed in between her cushions!  

Crap, crap, crap!  You really liked her, but now you aren't sure if this friendship will survive.  Just worrying about the amount of work that will go into making your house look like that makes you break out in hives!  All friendships have their issues though, so you decide to hang in there.  After all, she didn't run for cover when your child fed hers a booger the first time you met!

You will continue on like this for the first few play dates.  Each time you enter the other's house it will be spotless, and you will secretly hate each other a little bit.  Then the most amazing thing will happen.  You will plan a play date at a neutral play place, but something will throw a wrench in your plan.  Perhaps the McDonald's play place will have a mystery smell or maybe you'll run into that mom you both despise with the kid who still bites despite the fact that he's six, and you'll have to make a quick exit!  Neither one of you will want to end the play date that you've been looking forward to all week, so she'll invite you to her house for a play date that she didn't have any time to prepare for!  

Probably, she'll say something like, "you can come over as long as you promise to look past the awful mess!"  You'll secretly roll your eyes because you're sure her idea of a mess is nothing compared to your idea of a mess!  

When you get to her house, she'll open the garage door, and your heart will grow three sizes!  She can't report you to hoarders because her garage is worse than yours!  No wonder she's always made you come in through the front door!  
You'll walk into her kitchen, and you'll experience an overwhelming feeling of joy that you thought you could only feel when the anesthesiologist showed up with your epidural!  There's crap everywhere!  Her sink, filled to the top with unwashed dishes, will make you want to do a happy dance.  If you're lucky, she'll offer the kids juice boxes, and you'll get a sneak peak at the science fair experiments hiding in her fridge!  Make note, because chances are, her kids will be your kids' main completion for the blue ribbon!

When you enter her living room, you'll look around for the Pottery Barn couch. It won't be there anymore.  There will be a couch that looks like it could've been the Pottery Barn couch at some point, but it will be hard to tell if it is actually the same one, due to all the stains and the abundance of Cheetos that cover it!  Perhaps you'll sit on something hard, and when you go to inspect it, you'll discover its the same trashy romance novel you've been reading when you're really supposed to be "playing" with the children!  When you finally find the though provoking novels, you'll discover their true purpose, they're just the right height to prop up the broken leg of her antique China cabinet!  Sometime later in your friendship, when you've been friends long enough to know she'd never spend real money on books with an actual plot, you'll ask her where the thought provoking books came from. She'll roll her eyes, and say, "My mother in law gives them to me every year for my birthday.  Apparently, she thinks there's still hope for me!"  Because she's you're friend, you'll laugh hysterically both knowing that there isn't any hope for either of you!  

You will leave your friend's house that day and you will no longer be friends.  You'll be best friends, sisters even.  

**Because I want to be real friends with each any every one of you, I am going to conclude this blog entry with pictures of what my house looks like at this very minute. I just want you to know that it makes my day every time, I see a new fan on Facebook or when I see someone sharing one of my posts.  


  1. My house looks a lot like yours right now and most of the time. There will always be time to clean later, but your kids are only kids for a little while.

  2. I just recently started following your blog and it really makes my day with your posts. I laughed so hard reading through the past posts that I had tears.I wasn't laughing at you....definitely with you. Since I can relate so well. My house looked like that daily when my kids were still toddlers. It's not nearly as bad now but I still have to clean and get everybody's crap back to their rooms if company is coming. I despise surprise visits! I know the feeling of going to other people's houses and that feeling of hate mixed with a bit of envy!

  3. What a relief! It's so nice to know that I'm not the only one. I'm still in the clean-everything-like-a-maniac stage with most of my mommy friends. We're getting there.