Wednesday, October 2, 2013

The Beginning Stages of Motherhood Induced Dementia

I used to be really awesome.  I graduated high school with a perfect GPA.  I obtained a 4 year degree in 3.5 years while working full time.  I even graduated Summa Cum Laude.  I never studied for tests, slept through most of my classes, and once got a 103 on a test about a book that I'd never bothered to read.  I never had to write anything down, and I never forgot anything.  My mind was strong, healthy, and amazing until I had kids.

Now I can't remember anything.  Last night I kept yelling at Colin to do his homework, and each time I'd yell, he'd remind me that he was waiting on me to make him a snack before he got started.  I swear we had to have this conversation five times before I remembered to throw his hot pocket in the stupid microwave.  He still had to come ask about it before I remembered to take it out of the microwave and give it to him.

I had to do the mommy walk of shame at the pediatrician's office yesterday because I forgot to grab Tyler a pair of shoes before we left.  In my defense, there were 13 pairs of shoes on the floor of my minivan, but none of them belonged to him.

I regularly stare at the children I gave birth to, the children I named, and I can't remember what their names are.  I stare at them blankly and run through all the names that sound familiar to me, Colin, Tyler, Sam, Annabelle, Mr. Nibbles, until I get lucky and they respond.  Sometimes I just point at them and say, "Come here child that I gave birth to!"  

I was really starting to worry about myself the other day.  I actually came close to making myself an appointment with a specialist, but got sidetracked because my friend called.  We talked for a while, and she confessed that she struggled with "Motherhood Induced Dementia" as well. Bless her heart, she can't remember the names and birthdays of her own children, but she can rattle of the names and birthdays of all of Nicole Kidman's children on command.  I can't ever remember what I'm supposed to buy at the grocery store or where I parked my car, but I can sing the entire Ninja Turtles theme song and Billy Ray Cyrus' hit "Achy Breaky Heart" without having to think about it.

I honestly don't think my mind is diseased; I just think my children have made me stupid.  My mind has withered thanks to all the ridiculous conversations I find myself having over and over again with them.

Child: Mommy what are you doing?
Me (Sitting on the toilet): Going to the bathroom.
Child: Are you peeing or pooping?
Me: Pooping
Child: How long is it going to take?
Me: I don't know.
Child: How many turds you got left to squeeze out?
Me: Oh my gosh!  I don't know!  Go away!
Child: It's okay.  I'll stay and keep you company!
Me: Please no.
Child: Why does it smell so bad in here?

I can feel more brain cells dying just thinking about it.  

I once read a study that people who have memory problems should get more sleep.  I don't think I've slept through the night since I got pregnant with my first son.  Pregnancy turned my bladder into a sad little organ that is incapable of holding pee for more than three seconds, and child birth pretty much damaged it past the point of repair.  I can't remember the last time I didn't have to get up and pee at least once during the night.  It's so bad that I saw a commercial for an over the counter over active bladder control patch, and I dropped everything I was doing and ran to Wal-Mart to buy it.  I'll let you know how it works out if I remember.

Sadly, it's not the potty visits that cause the most havoc to my sleeping patterns.  It's my children's need to keep me informed of all of their nighttime bathroom activities and/or sleep disturbances.  I'm not sure why they need to tell me that they've got to pee in the middle of the night. I will also never understand why children need to inform their mother they are sick before they feel like they can go puke.  It's the reason they never make it to the bathroom before they explode.  I think they honestly believe we won't hear them and come rushing to their aid unless they announce their intentions ahead of time.

I am also at a loss for why they insist on waking me up instead of their father.  I'd be willing to bet, Sam has never once been woken up in the middle of the night by a small child declaring their intentions to go pee.  I can't remember a single time he has levitated six feet off of the bed because someone shoved a finger up his nose, while he was sound asleep, so they could tell him that they'd had a weird dream about monkeys.

Sam is actually very good about getting up with our kids in the middle of the night, but he still hasn't mastered how to take care of them without my input.

My Darling Husband: Colin has a fever of 102.
Me (Half Asleep): Give him some Tylenol
Darling Husband (2 Minutes Later): Where do we keep the Tylenol?
Me (Still Trying to Sleep): Medicine cabinet.
Husband (5 Minutes Later): He won't take it.  He says it's not the right kind, and I'm not giving him the right amount.
Me: Ahhhhhhhhhh

By the time I get that all straightened out and climb back in bed, my darling husband is usually hot on my heels bringing in the sick child to sleep with me for the rest of the night.

I'm really amazed I can still function after having my third child.  I've been trying to write this blog post for the last 24 hours, but keep getting sidetrack because the kids keep needing me to do things for them and answer questions that just can't wait. 

Child: Mommy, mommy I need you right now!

Me: Can it wait?

Child: No, it's really important.  I need you right now!!!!

Me (Racing across the house): What's wrong?

Child: Can you throw this booger away?  I'm in the middle of my show, and I don't want to get up. 

I'm sure at some point I had a really awesome ending planned out for this post, but I honestly can't remember what it was.  I'm just going to go fold laundry while I hum, "Don't tell my heart, my achy breaky heart.  I just don't think it'd understand."  Then I'm going to call my bestie and see if it's time to send out my yearly birthday cards to Nicole Kidman's kids.  

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PSSS....if you've read this far, I love you.  


  1. Hysterical and so so true!! LOVE it

  2. We're expecting our 6th child at the end of Feb...I was in tears from laughing so hard! 100% truth. I haven't slept in 15 yrs. hahaha! ;).

  3. Then why keep having kids? Is it because you think you are supposed to? Just stop at 1 even 2.

  4. You guys make my heart happy with your kind comments!

  5. awesome. so so so true. i'm with you x