Thursday, November 7, 2013

How to deal with the mortification that comes with raising a small child

Dear New Mommy,

Welcome to this amazing institution we call motherhood. I'd like to say the road called motherhood is paved with pure happiness and unicorns. Unfortunately, I can't because most days it's paved with pure mortification and unparalleled honesty. 

One of these days, you are going to be the mother of the child who loudly proclaims, "Oh shit, I forgot my bible," as he is walking out of Sunday school.  Don't worry, you'll live through it, and it will be a great story to tell when you give the toast at his wedding.

You know that awful website called Pinterest that you spend hours upon hours on planning the perfect birthday party for each year of your child's life?  I don't care how much time you spend hand making decorations, party favors, and the perfect birthday cake there will eventually come a day when your child will look at all your hard work and ask, "Why can't I have a party at the bowling alley like Jimmy does every year?"  Instead of killing your child, call up the bowling alley and let them handle his next party.  Then devote all of the time you normally spend on crafting the perfect party on crafting something for yourself.  Your kid will eventually realize your parties are way superior to anything the bowling alley can put together, and you can tell him, "I told you so," from the comfort of the new gazebo you just built.

Eventually you will manage to figure out how to juggle one child, and you'll probably have a second.  I wish I could say that motherhood will be easier the second time around.  It won't be though; It'll be a lot harder.  Having multiple children forces mommies to do things they swore they'd never do.  Like one day you'll be at the pool with both of your kids.  After spending the morning in misery trying to convince your youngest child that he actually likes the pool, he will finally settle down and begin to play happily in his little float.  You will have thirty seconds of peace before your oldest child announces he has to pee.  Then you'll be stuck with a tough decision.  If you take your oldest kid to the bathroom, you have to disturb his now happy sibling.  If you do that, there will be a good chance he might not be able to find his happy place again.  After wrestling with your morality for a few minutes, you'll decide that five minutes of peace is worth any price, so you'll call your oldest son over and quietly instruct him to just pee in the pool.  It'll take a little coaxing, but eventually he'll agree to do it.  You'll get to enjoy thirty more seconds of peace before everything will go to hell when you notice your child has misinterpreted your instructions and is now standing on the edge of the pool peeing for all to see.  Fair warning, don't yell at them.  If you do, the mortification is only going to get worse when they yell back, "You're the one who told me to pee in the pool."  This is one of those situations you just live through.  Trust me when I tell you it will eventually be really funny.  Especially if you tell it at his high school graduation when all his friends are listening.

The good news is that all mothers will eventually go through this.  It's what makes parenting fun.  So instead of looking for a rock to hide under the next time your child embarrass the you know what out of you, just smile and know that eventually you'll get even.  


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