Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Dear Big Toy Makers

Dear Big Toy Makers,

It's the holiday season which means you are about to make a whole lot of money off of junk that is going to fall apart on Christmas morning.  I mean seriously do you actually let real children play with your toys before you ship them out to the stores?  If you do let actual children test out your toys, you are obviously picking the wrong kids to test them for you.  Toys should have to meet the same rigorous testing standards that the military uses for their body armor.  Since the holiday season is in full swing and you guys probably don't have enough time to conduct a full scale quality review, I am going to be nice and give you a list of toys that promptly need to be pulled off the shelves and/or revamped.

Toy #1: Any dollhouse, superhero lair, or doll/action figure vehicle that simply snaps together

When Colin was three, he was obsessed with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, so I shelled out a small fortune for their three story lair and Turtle Vehicle thingy.  The lair was three feet tall and had a "working" crane that the turtles were supposed to be able to swing around on.  

Christmas morning came, and Colin was absolutely delighted with his new toys.  After he opened them, he waited patiently (yeah freaking right) while we put them together.  I opened the packages and was horrified to discover that neither the turtle lair or the turtle van came with screws.  Not because they'd been left out, but because the manufacturers of the crazy expensive plastic toys were to darn cheap to add little screw holes and screws in their design.  They seriously thought that a three foot tall plastic toy that was design to hold an incredibly heavy action figure didn't need them.  Nope, the stupid toy just snapped together.  Same story for the turtle van.  We spent the entire day alternating between listening to Colin cry because his toy kept breaking and attempting to put the stupid toys back together.  

Toy companies: Stop being cheap and add screws!

Toy #2: Any doll/Barbie with body parts that snap on and off

Little girls tend to have these people in their lives called brothers, who delight in dismembering dolls and Barbies.  I honestly have a basket in my daughter's room that we put random doll parts in when they get separated from their doll's body.  

Every time I find a dismembered doll part, I wonder if my children are on the path to becoming little serial killers who favor decapitation and dismemberment.  I suggest figuring out a way to make Barbie more durable, or be prepared to foot the bill for a good attorney for my boys' when they are on trial.

Toy #3: Brown Play-Doh

I'm sorry, but if you put 200 kids in a room filled with every Fun Factory Play-Doh ever made, where the possibilities for creativity were endless, and you only gave them brown Play-Doh, every kid in the room is going to make the same darn thing: a giant turd.  Do mother's everywhere a favor and just stop making it. 

PS..if you really want to make us happy, you'll also starting including a bottle of solvent for free in every package that will magically remove Play-Doh from carpet.  Yes, I said for free.  You've been tormenting us with your product for years.  It's the least you can do!

Toy #4: Legos with 9 million pieces that have a picture on the front of the box of what they are supposed to snap together to make

You have two choices on this one.  You can either start putting them in the packages pre-made or you can start including a complimentary bottle of super glue in the package, so parents don't feel like complete assholes when they glue them together.  There is nothing worse than spending 3 hours constructing a Lego masterpiece that your child abandon 5 minutes into the construction process only to have said child break it or take it apart and then cry until you fix it.

Also, my feet would appreciate it if you would figure out a way to make your pieces squishy yet sturdy.  

Toy #5: Any toy that sounds like Satan when they batteries run low

Seriously, there is nothing worse than a toy that won't shut up or stop doing it's best Satan impression at 3 AM.  It's always impossible to locate the creepy toy in a timely fashion also.  

When the batteries get low, the toy needs to just die.  Also, any singing toy should have a built in limit to the number of times it can sing in a given time period.  Hokey Pokey Elmo should only be able to turn himself about 10 or so times before he insists on having a nap.

Toy #6 Moon Sand and/or Ball Pits

Here's the thing, these toys can't be improved.  You either need to pull them off of the market or put the CEO's home address on the front of each package, so that when my kids wants to play with moon sand and/or the blow up ball pit his/her company is getting rich off of we can head on over to his/her house and destroy his/her living room.

In the spirit of the holidays, I'm offering you these suggestions free of charge this year.  Next year though, you'll have to pay for it.  Please note my children are available year round to test your products.  Trust me if they can't break it, destroy it, or lose all of its important pieces, no one can.  They are also available to give opinions on cars/minivans.

Happy Holidays!
A Concerned Mother


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