Sunday, December 15, 2013

The Man Cold

I'm currently hiding in my closet eating store bought baked goods and drinking my way through a bottle of fake alcohol.  

You're probably wondering why.  The answer is simple: my husband woke up sick this morning, and it's either hide in the closet and drink my sparkling grape juice and eat my cookies or murder him.  
My husband is a total pain the butt when he's sick. Probably I'm not an amazing person to hang with when I'm sick either, but this is my blog.  If he wants to talk about how awful I am when I'm sick, he can get his own blog and do it there.  

He spent the morning in bed alternating between trying to convince me he was dying and trying to proposition me.  Around 2:00, I couldn't take it anymore and decided to take him to the doctor.  My youngest son is sick too, so we made it a family excursion.

We finally found an urgent care clinic that wasn't completely full and finally made it back to see the doctor.  Her initial thought based on his symptoms was the flu.  I'm pretty sure this is when the doctor started thinking I was an awful person because I looked her in the eye and said, "He doesn't have the flu.  He can't have the flu.  Swab his throat.  He says it's sore.  I'm sure this is just strep throat."  She looked at me like I was crazy, but agreed to swab his throat for strep after she swabbed his nose for the flu test.  

While she checked Tyler out, I began bargaining with God.  "God," I prayed, "He can't have the flu. Please let it be strep throat.  I can live through a few days of strep throat, but we both know I won't make it through a week or two of the man flu."  I didn't think it was necessary to tell God that if Sam had the flu, there was a good chance I might snap and murder my husband in his sleep.  God knows how much patience I have.  He made me.

Anyway, the nurse came in 5 or so minutes later with the results, and I was right.  Sam had strep throat.  When she announced the winner, I might have thrown my hands up in victory kind of like  famous people do when the announcer says, "And the award goes to..." and then says their name.  

I'm pretty sure the doctor thought I'd completely lost my mind after she witnessed my victory dance. I am also pretty sure she wasn't married otherwise she would've understood my plight.  

She began to write out prescriptions, and I had no choice but to intervene again.  "Can't you give him a shot in his butt for strep throat?"  I asked/demanded.  She gave me the "You're a crazy lunatic" face again, but agreed to give him the shot.

I wanted to explain to her that I'm not crazy.  I've just been married to the same man for eleven years.  I love Sam with all of my heart, but when he's sick, I have to care of him and do things for him that I don't normally do.  For example, I had to drive him to the doctor's office.  I'd rather have dental work done without Novocain than drive my husband anywhere.  I almost shoved him out of the car six times on our way to the doctor.  "Rachel, why are you in this lane?  Rachel, why are you going this way?  Rachel, why didn't you run that last yellow light?"  Seriously, if he made one more remark about my driving, he was going to need a coroner instead of an urgent care doctor.

So anyway, I stopped at Wal-Mart to get Sam and Tyler's prescriptions filled and decided it might be best to buy myself a little something to take the edge off.  I don't actually drink, so I bought the next best thing, sparkling grape juice.  I've been meaning to bust out my best Martha Stewart impression and bake a bunch of Christmas cookies with the children, but that ain't gonna happen anytime soon, so I bought several boxes of premade cookies.  Now I'm hiding in the closet drowning my sorrows in fake alcohol and cookies while Sam sleeps and the children watch Mickey Mouse.  In case you're wondering why I'm hiding in the closet, it's because I'm not in the mood to share.  I'm planning on becoming the best fake alcoholic I can be, which means I've got to drink the whole bottle by myself.  

Probably you're wondering what you can do to help out in my time of need.  If you really want to raise my spirits, you can hit the share button and tell your friends about me.  You can also tell all your friends to head on over to 
and like my page.  Thanks bunches!  


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