I Love You Enough

Dear Oldest Son,

I know you think I don't understand.  You think I'm mean; you think I don't love you.  What you don't understand is that my main job in life is to love you unconditionally, to stand by you through the good times and the bad, and to guide you down the road of life.

I remember when you were a little baby. You were just beginning to take your first steps, and I'd never been prouder of anyone in my entire life.  Learning to walk wasn't easy.  You spent more time falling over than you did walking the first few days.  Each time you'd fall, you would cry.  Then you would put your little arms in the air and beg me to pick you up.  It broke my heart, but I would shake my head no, and then I'd make you get up and try again.  I know you didn't understand then, but I loved you enough to let you fall down because I knew it was the only way for you to succeed.

When you were two, you got so sick.  We tried everything, but nothing worked.  Daddy and I ended up taking you to the hospital, and for five days, you were a human pin cushion.  I've never felt pain like that before.  It was absolutely unbearable watching them torture you like that.  It was even more unbearable because I helped them.  I held you down each time they came in, and I will never forget the look in your eyes when you would look up at me and beg me to make it stop.  I know you didn't understand then, that in those moments, I loved you enough to do whatever was necessary to keep you safe.  You had something called Kawasaki's Disease, and we caught it in time. Thank God, it's seven years later, and you're happy and perfectly healthy.  

You just turned nine the other day, and you are well on your way to becoming an amazing person.  You are just beginning to scrape the surface of adolesence, and I know it's going to be a hard time for both of us.  Know that no matter what happens, I love you enough.  I love you enough to put your needs first no matter how hard it is.  Know that I love you enough to do whatever it takes to keep you safe.  Know that when I do something that makes you hate me, that I love you enough to make the right decision for you even when you won't understand.  Chances are, the times when you think I don't understand, the times when you think I hate you, and the times when you think I don't love you, will be the times when I love you the most.

Love,

Mommy