What to do when your Elf on the Shelf drops the ball

It's almost December which means it's almost time for your Elf to visit from the North Pole.  I've seen approximately 900 million blog posts this past week detailing all the fun things you can expect your Elf to do while he or she is at your house.  

This is not one of those blog postings.  Nope, this blog is for the parents who get stuck with a lazy, dud of an elf, who halfway through the month of December, forgets that he or she is supposed to visit Santa in the middle of the night and come back the next morning and hide in a new spot.

Without further ado, I present how to turn your crappy Elf's behavior into positive learning experiences for your children.

Problem #1: What to do when it becomes apparent that your Elf has a drinking problem.

It's cute when you wake up one morning and discover your Elf has spent one night drowning his sorrows away with your red wine or the Elf drink of choice, syrup, but what do you do when he spends 5 nights in a row doing it?

Simple.  Stage an intervention and set up an anonymous meeting of sorts in your living room.  Have your child show their support for the Elf's recovery by going around and confessing to behaviors they are addicted to. 

"Hi, my name's George, and I'm a compulsive nose picker, toe nail bitter, booger eater, fib teller, etc."  

Then spend the remainder of the month encouraging your kids to give up their bad habits in the hopes that their Elf will follow suit and sober himself up before Santa comes.  Feel free to hold anonymous meetings every night.

Problem #2: Your Elf spends one night in Barbie's dream house and refuses to leave.

First off, you need to set the ground rules with your Elf the first night he arrives.  Tell him that if he's going to fool around with Barbie, he better fool around with the ugly one you hate.  Because when you catch him engaging in funny business with Barbie, the only solution is to stage a wedding.  That way your children learn that it is in no way acceptable for Barbie to shack up with a guy before they are married.  At the reception, remind your Elf that Barbie's dream house isn't paid off yet, and that he needs to continue working for Santa to make the mortgage payments.  Then on Christmas Eve make sure he takes the Barbie you hate, you know the one with the crappy, child inflicted haircut from hell, to live with him at the North Pole.  Ain't nobody got time for an Elf who sneaks out on Barbie on Christmas Eve.

Problem #3: What to do when your Elf climbs to the top of your Christmas tree and then refuses to come down until Santa comes and rescues him.

Obamacare is hitting everyone hard this year.  BlueCross BlueShield is no longer offering the affordable low deductible plan Santa has been using to insure his Elf's for the past 500 years.  He was forced to get a high deductible plan off of the insurance marketplace for all of the Elfs.  None of the Elfs can afford to pay their high deductible in the event that they fall and get hurt on Christmas.

Use this opportunity to explain to your children the importance of voting when they turn 18.  Otherwise they might find themselves the unwilling victims of change they didn't want, but can't complain about because they didn't exercise their right to vote for the other guy.

Problem #4: Your Elf refuses to get off of the computer.

Probably he's addicted to Elf porn.  I highly recommend you take this opportunity to inspect the parental controls on your computer because if your Elf can find porn, so can your kids.  

Tell your kids that the cost of Elf magic has gone up this year kind of like the cost of gas.  Santa is saving money by having all the Elf's Skype (FaceTime) him at night.

Problem #5: What to do when your Elf develops a Facbook/texting addiction.

I say make sure you have an unlimited data package and tell your Elf to have at it.  The only thing better than your Elf telling on your kids to Santa at night is an Elf who is constantly in communication with Santa.  An Elf who texts Santa all day is an Elf you children will truly fear and respect.

Disclaimer: All of the Elf pictures in this post were borrowed off of the internet.  I'm not lazy.  I just have no idea where our Elf is.  I'm pretty sure that he ran away from home last Christmas.  

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