Tuesday, July 30, 2013

The Trip

I'm pretty sure I just had the most successful trip to Wal-Mart ever provided you judge success by the number of people you made smile and secretly thank god that they aren't you on that particular day.  The shopping trip was doomed from the beginning simply based on our shopping list which included wart cream, jock itch ointment, foot fungus spray, tampons, and a giant box of batteries.  I knew we were off to a great start when I was getting the children ready to make our pilgrimage to store, when the baby, 2 year old Annabelle, absolutely refused to surrender her nightgown in exchange for a clean outfit for the day.  Time being of the essence, I ultimately gave up trying to negotiate her out of it and loaded her up in the car in her old nightie complete with its cheeto stains and three day old odor.  

When we arrived, I decided to make sure we attracted as much attention as humanly possible, and put Annabelle in the backpack carrier.  I'm not sure why I become such a sideshow attraction when I do this, but it never ceases to be a crowd pleaser.  Continuing with our theme of whatever the opposite of inconspicuous is, I made the idiot mistake of parking by the entrance that automatically sets any mother up for trip failure upon arrival because you have to pass by the toy department in order to get anywhere else in the store.  Nothing says "incognito" quite like a 5 year old whining loudly, "pretty puh-lease can we just look?", as they trail behind you at the speed of molasses.  

I was able to secure the jock itch ointment in relative peace unless you count having your child loudly inquire, "Mom, is that the stuff that's supposed to make my balls feel better?", bothersome.  The wart cream required a pow wow with the pharmacist because they like to hide it where no one can find it, but I was able to locate the tampons on my own much to my children's delight.  Tampons have fascinated them ever since during one very long wait at the AT&T store, I made the mistake of letting them sit on the floor with my purse.  Everything was going real swell until I saw something white shoot past my face, and my oldest son yell, "Wow look at it go!  Hey Mom, I didn't know you had rockets in your purse!"  I'd like to say I was so embarrassed that I left the store, but the truth was I ignored them and was thankful that they'd found something to amuse themselves with that didn't actively involve breaking something in the store.  They have been in love with "tampon rockets" ever since.

Later, we discovered the redneck tank tops were on clearance, and Tyler, age 5, couldn't pass up getting in on that.  I was also conned into buying princess juice cup things when the kids threw them in the cart unbeknownst to me, when I was attempting to ascertain what brand of batteries offered the best bargain that day.  

On the way to the checkout line, I had a lady stop me, offer a look of pity, and say, "I feel real sorry for you."  I think it was because the baby on my back had my oldest son in a head lock and my 5 year old was riding the back of the buggy like it was a skateboard.  It might have also had something to do with the fact that when the baby had twisted in the backpack carrier my tank top had gotten caught up and my bra/boob were hanging out for all to see.  Whatever the reason, I figured it was truly an accomplishment to make someone feel sorry for me in Wal-Mart especially the Monroe Wal-Mart.  That takes real talent; after all, Wal-Mart is usually the place I go when I want to feel better about myself.  

I had more help than I really required in the self checkout line.  The boys were bagging up my groceries faster than I could scan them, which caused me to have to forcefully (read louder than I meant to) remind them to slow down so we didn't accidentally shoplift.  This of course drew the attention of the lady manning the self checkout line, and she spent the remainder of our checkout experience trying to simultaneously watch us like a hawk, and not laugh so hard she wet herself.  When I attempted to bag the princess beverages I didn't know I was buying, Annabelle loudly protested on the account that she desperately needed a "Rella" (Cinderella) to hold.  At this point, everyone in the self checkout lane had stopped to watch our little sideshow, so I obviously didn't want to disappoint my viewers.  I stopped what I was doing, opened up a beverage for Annabelle and Tyler, if sister was going to get one, so was he, then finished paying for my order.  

So yes, our trip to Wal-Mart was a total success.  I'm pretty sure we made just about everyone else in the store feel a whole lot better about their day.


  1. LOL!!!!! I'm in tears reading this! I have a 15 month old and we're trying for #2 (TMI - I know). Sounds like you're a great mom! God bless you! :)