Sunday, September 8, 2013

Driving While Mothering (DWM)

I keep waiting to get pulled over by a police officer, who suspects I've been drinking and driving.  Not because I'm one to drink and drive.  I actually don't drink anything stronger than Coca-Cola; however, more often than not, I travel with a car full of kids.  If ever I were to get pulled over, I imagine the exchange would go something like this.

Police Officer (PO): Ma'am have you been drinking?
Me: Nope.  I can't remember the last time I had alcohol.
PO: We'll ma'am I pulled you over today because I just observed you swerving all over the road.
Me: I can explain.  My son was having a hard time getting his shoe off, so he started kicking his feet back and forth.  When the shoe finally came off, it flew right at my head.  I probably swerved when it hit my head.
PO: This is worse than I thought.  Are you telling me you've been driving while mothering?
Me: Excuse me?
PO: I count three small children in this vehicle.  Were you driving while mothering?
Me: Define mothering?
PO: The baby is sucking on a pacifier.  Have you had to retrieve a fallen pacifier and stick it back in her mouth at anytime during your drive?
Me: At least once every five minutes.  It's either that or listen to her scream.
PO: So you are also admitting to driving under the influence of a screaming baby?
Me: I guess so.
PO: At anytime during your drive did you consider just driving off of a cliff?
Me: There are three children in this car with me.  Of course I did.
PO: I also see that the children are watching a movie in the car.  Now I'm addressing the children.  Is that the same movie you've been watching since you left the house or did you ask your mother to change it while she was driving?
Ever Helpful Small Child #1: We made her change it twice.  The first time we made her change it because we didn't like the movie.  The second time we made her change it because it always upsets us when Simba's dad dies in the Lion King.
PO: I see you are currently watching Finding Nemo.  Doesn't Nemo's mom die in that?
Ever Helpful Small Child #2: That doesn't bother us.
PO: Does that piss you off?
Me: Just a little bit.
PO: What are the children eating?
Me: McDonalds
PO: Were you passing out food while you went down the road?
Me: I can't give it to them all at once.  If I do, they spill everything everywhere.
PO: Don't you have a kitchen table you can feed them at?
Me: Seriously, if we only ate when we had time to sit down at the table, we'd all starve to death.
PO: So let me get this straight, I've got you for swerving to avoid a flying shoe, failure to keep your eyes on the road while retrieving a fallen pacifier, illegal DVD change, waitressing while driving, and driving under the influence of a small
Me: That sounds bad.
PO: Ma'am is that a Valium necklace you just licked?
Me: No...
PO: You mean to tell me that you didn't take dental floss and use it to string a bottle of Valium up like a candy necklace, so you could lick/nibble on it when the children get the best of you?
Me: No...
PO: Now that's a shame.  My wife's birthday is coming up.  We have three kids too, and she'd been begging me for one.
Me: In that case its yours.  There's still about half a bottle left on it.  I just started using it a few hours ago.
PO: One more thing.  Is that a dead body I smell?
Me: No, that's just the smell of rotten feet.  My youngest son doesn't like to wear socks.
PO: Its making me feel a little lightheaded.
Me: It has that affect on new people.
PO: (Coughing uncontrollably) Its probably best if I let you head on.
Me: Thanks officer.  I promise the lightheadedness and feeling that your going to vomit will pass quickly.  Have a great day.  Hope your wife enjoys the necklace!


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