Thursday, September 12, 2013

Dear Husbands Everywhere

I'm going to let you all in on a little secret, that whole penis helicopter trick you've been perfecting since you discovered you had a toy in your pants, isn't sexy.  It's not you.  It's me.  I promise.  The thing is by the time you get home and perform it for me, I've already seen it approximately 900 times that day. Remember we have boy children, and they too are trying to perfect their penis helicopter act. 

They have also reached the age where nothing is funnier than potty humor.  On any given day, I get mooned at least 100 times.  I blame those bastards over at Disney, who thought it would be a good idea to make the movie Brave.  Once our children were exposed to the "Feast you eyes!" scene, they were hooked for life.  They don't seem to care that I do want to feast my eyes on their butts.  Thankfully, I have managed to convince them that public nudity is a no no.  I would really rather not field that call from the school principal!

I know what you're thinking.  You're thinking, "without my famous penis helicopter trick, how will I ever entice you to be my bedroom wrestling partner ever again?"  It's easy.  If you really want to have the best sex life ever with your wife, offer to keep the children on a regular basis.  I know!  It's a crazy idea!

You see during the day, in addition to being mooned and watching the penis helicopter trick all day, mothers spend most of their day being molested in some way or fashion by their children.  We get licked, poked, force fed, cried on, peed on, pooped on, and cuddled all day long.  By the time you get home from work, all we want is to go five minutes without someone touching us.  

So instead of complaining about how your wife is never in the mood like she used to be before she gave birth, be proactive.  When you get home, send her to Wal-Mart all by herself while you stay at home and let the children molest you.  Surprise her when she gets home by having all the children fed, cleaned, and in bed.  It's every mother's dream to come home from Wal-Mart to a quiet house.  I promise you if she starts to associate getting out of bedtime routine hell with your sex appeal, it won't be long before you feel like you're on your honeymoon again.  If you don't believe me, try it just once.  You can thank me later.

Wives Everywhere


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