Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Potty Training's the Pits

My mother in law came this weekend, and ever so kindly reminded me that Annabelle wasn't potty trained yet.  Apparently, we are falling behind because my niece, who is 3 months younger than Annabelle, is completely potty trained.  I had to stifle a laugh because my niece is a first baby; whereas, Annabelle is a third baby.  First off, I don't think you should compare children, but if you are the type to compare children, you ought to at least compare apples to apples, which means you can't compare a first baby to a third baby.  My first born was potty trained weeks before his second birthday because I didn't know any better.  I was a first time mommy, who thought potty training was a blessed event that would make my life easier.  Hahahahahahaha!!!

I've said it before, and I'll say it again.  Small children have a lot in common with terrorists.  They are power hungry, and they love to torture their parents.  A potty training toddler is a toddler ripe with power.  

When you finally decide to make the transition between diapers and the potty be prepared to be a prisoner in your own home for at least a week.  Potty training children have zero bladder control, which means you'll spend approximately 85% of your day transporting your child back and forth from the potty.  At first they'll be excited about using the potty; however, their excitement ususally runs out around the third trip, which means you'll have to find ways to keep them entertained while they sit on the potty.  If your little terrorist decides he/she wants you to sing and dance in exchange for his/her cooperation, you'll sing and you'll dance.  Probably, they will also insist on being bribed for their cooperation.  You'll do it because they've got the upper hand in the negotiations; after all, the only thing worse than cleaning up a poopy diaper is cleaning up poop that's running down a potty trainer's leg because their underwear isn't made for the containment of hazardous waste.

Once you make it through the first week of potty training boot camp, it'll be time to venture out of the house with your little
ticking time bomb.  The grocery store is only 10 minutes from your house.  Surely you can make it there without having an accident.  Nope!  Once upon a time, you took your little terrorist in a nasty gas station bathroom.  It was so bad that you almost lost your lunch three times before you got your pants down.  Remember how your little terrorist thought that was awesome and hilarious?  They've been dying to go back, which means he/she is going to demand that you stop the car at the first gas station they see.  They'll demand that you stop or else they're going to poop in their pants!  You better get used to it.  Potty trainers adore watching their parents sweat it out in disgusting bathrooms!  In fact, most veteran parents will tell you that there is a definite correlation between the how nasty a public restroom is and the amount of time a small child will need to spend in there in order to get his/her business done.  For instance, if you hit a Quicktrip that has just been cleaned, you'll barely be able to get settled in before your little potty trainer will have relieved his/herself.  Whereas, if you have to stop in the middle of nowhere at a bait and tackle shop that hasn't seen a cleaning crew since before you were born, your little potty trainer will have to poop.  It will be one of those terrible poops that they have to strip completely naked for and that takes forever.  If you're really lucky, they'll also need to hold on to the side of the toilet with both hands to help gain the strength to squeeze it out!

Potty trainers are also terribly allergic to the idea of mothers consuming warm food.  Trust me when I tell you that once a mother begins the potty training process, it will be at least 3-5 years before she is able to eat warm food in a restaurant setting.  The second a potty trainer senses that warm food is headed towards the table, he/she will immediately be struck with the overwhelming urge to pee!  Once you arrive in the bathroom, the urge to pee will immediately be followed by the urge to poop.  Children cannot poop in a restaurant in an expedient fashion.  It's physically impossible and probably against the laws of nature!

Then there is the expense of potty training a child.  What you didn't see that one coming?  You thought you were going to save money since you didn't have to buy diapers anymore!  Do you have any idea how much it costs to have a toilet replaced after your child decides to wipe his/her own butt the first time and then flushes an entire roll of toilet paper and a half a box of diaper wipes down the toilet?  Add to that the expense of big girl panties/big boy underwear and the cost of all the crap you've got to buy to bribe your child with to gain their cooperation, and you could buy a new car.  

So no, don't be in a hurry to potty train your child.  Wait until you are both ready because let's face it you're still going to have to wipe their butt until they are at least four or five.  


Post a Comment